A class-action lawsuit was recently brought by 250,000 West Virginia smokers against five tobacco companies.

By Tony Ramos

A class-action lawsuit was recently brought by 250,000 West Virginia smokers against five tobacco companies. The plaintiffs smoked the equivalent of a pack a day for 5 years but do not have any tobacco-related illnesses. This lawsuit is seeking to have the tobacco companies pay for regular medical tests on healthy smokers.

Since these West Virginia smokers have set a new standard for shifting the blame on someone else, why not enable smokers and nonsmokers to reap the benefits of having someone else pay for their personal mistakes. I’m thinking that there might be a new world opening up for class-action lawsuits, so I have made a list of potential lawsuits that could sweep across the nation at any time.

  • Parents with daughters under the age of 13 should ask Britney Spears to give them each a $100 gift certificate to The Gap to encourage their daughters not to dress like Julia Roberts in the movies Erin Brockovich and Pretty Woman.
  • People with high blood pressure should sue Burger King and Kentucky Fried Chicken to pay for high blood pressure medication due to the ultrahigh sodium content in these companies’ burgers, fries, and chicken;
  • Football fans should seek a $50 gift certificate to Blockbuster from NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue for having to endure this year’s super-boring Super Bowl;
  • Parents with children under the age of 5 should ask television networks to pay for their child’s Ritalin since watching too much television has been proven to cause aggressive behavior in children;
  • All persons who are at least 50 pounds overweight should receive a 1-year membership to Jenny Craig from See’s Candies;
  • Anyone exceeding 25 to 50 pounds should receive a 1-year supply of Slim-Fast or Weight Watchers’ meals from Ben or Jerry. (Former White House interns and English duchesses are prohibited from participating.)
  • All persons with marital problems should sue Jerry Springer to pay for 5 hours of marriage counseling;
  • Anyone over the age of 55 who has yet to land the perfect job should seek damages equal to the cost of an MBA program from their first grade teacher for not providing them with a solid academic foundation;
  • For those who cannot hit a 95 mile per hour fastball, run the 40-meter race in 4.5 seconds or under, shoot par at Pebble Beach, make 9 out of 10 free throws (this one’s for Shaq), or run a marathon in under 3 hours should have Little League Baseball, the YMCA, or Pop Warner pay for them to attend a Fantasy baseball, football, or basketball camp.
  • Anyone who can consume a six-pack of beer in less than 1 hour and can still pass a police checkpoint sobriety test with flying colors should ask Budweiser to pay for a 30-day stay at the Betty Ford Center;
  • Anyone who lost money in 2000 that equals the gross domestic product of a third-world country by investing everything in dot com companies should ask Merrill Lynch to enroll them in a weekend retirement planning program free of charge;
  • Any parent who cannot keep track of what time they need to be at Tyler’s soccer game, Tiffany’s dance recital, Tyler’s hockey practice, Tiffany’s swim lessons, Tyler’s piano lessons, and Tiffany’s martial arts class (all taking place on a single Saturday) should receive a Palm Pilot from 3Com; and
  • Any husband who strikes his wife should sue the NFL, NBA, NHL, or MLB to post bail.

While these “Not My Fault” freebies may never materialize into a class-action lawsuit, any respiratory care professional who wants to receive a FREE subscription to RT Magazine can simply fill out the subscription card at the front or back of this magazine or subscribe online at www.respiratory-therapy.com. Best of all, a free subscription to RT comes without a warning on the side of the magazine stating that use of this product is hazardous to your health.


Tony Ramos is the former publisher of RT. For more information, contact [email protected].